


edward elric is a fucking idiot

by hhhomunculus



Series: meme team dream team [1]
Category: Fullmetal Alchemist - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/F, Hell sucks, M/M, alchemy doesnt exist, aliens Are Real and they are Valid, all these kids are queer and u cant do anything about it, and she and martel both give lesbian vibes so uhhhh theyre dating, and then theres ed and ling being idiots, chatfic, conspiracy theories: they exist and are valid, ed and ling are Confirmed Dumbasses, ed lost his arm + leg in an accident, edward elric punched god in the face and lived to tell the tale, edward is a fool, groupchat fic, hohenheim is a Cryptid and will be referred to As Such, it has bad food, just a bunch of NERDS, let alphonse say fuck 2k18, ling is a dumbass, rose is here because she deserves more appreciation!!!!!!!!, they are the Ultimate Girlfriends, who is his evil twin????? find out next time on dumbmetal alchemist!, why does everyone know each other honestly??????? not even i know, winry and paninya are GAY and u cant do anything about it
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-09-26
Updated: 2019-04-29
Packaged: 2019-07-17 21:09:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 8,079
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16103849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hhhomunculus/pseuds/hhhomunculus
Summary: dumb bitch: hey this????? betrayal. i trusted all of you.ninjago: that was your mistake.dumb bitch: sfijgbdf-





	1. no u

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edward - dumb bitch / thing one  
> alphonse - nya / thing two  
> winry - mech slut  
> ling - hungr / dumb gay  
> greed - greeB  
> paninya - panini  
> lan fan - ninjago / esteemed lesbian

_group chat >> meme team dream team_

dumb bitch: good morning sluts

 

mech slut: fuck off

 

dumb bitch: no u

 

mech slut: fuck how can i contend against that

 

panini: winry babe ur name is literally mech slut wyd  
panini: ur literally saying ur a slut

 

mech slut: shut fuck your up

 

panini: no u

 

mech slut: fuck

 

nya: hey what the fuck yall  
nya: ed u fool dont call people sluts

 

dumb bitch: sh  
dumb bitch: im not a fool wym

 

panini: ed u dumbass ur name is literally dumb bitch

 

dumb bitch: k but its not fool  
dumb bitch: thERES A DIFFERENCE

 

nya: theres really not

 

dumb bitch: sdfjh mute, furry

 

nya: im nOT a fUrRyYyYYyyy

 

dumb bitch: yea ok

 

nya: i just like cats leave me alone :(((((  
nya: i cant believe my own brother is bullying me :((((((((

 

panini: for shame, eddy boy

 

dumb bitch: akfhgs dONT CALL ME THAT???????

 

panini: eddy boy  
panini: >:3cccc

 

dumb bitch: paninya you have no idea what forces you are fucking with  
dumb bitch: i will ruin you  
dumb bitch: i will murder you in your fucking sleep

 

mech slut: no bc if u murder her i murder u

 

panini: hA

 

dumb bitch: bITCH

 

panini: ur the bitch  
panini: its in ur name

 

dumb bitch: sklghsdfklghsdklhg  
dumb bitch: you are dead paninya

 

panini: ooooh, how scary  
panini: threatened by a pipsqueak, how terrifying

 

dumb bitch: KLSFHSKLGH

* * *

 

hungr: hey why the Fuck did ed just walk in without an arm

 

nya: bc paninya pissed him off

 

hungr: ah  
hungr: your brother is a fucking idiot al

 

nya: we all know  
nya: anyways so yeah ed threw his arm at paninya

 

panini: he hit me in the face :(((

 

hungr: hahaha ouch

 

panini: >:P thats not nice

 

hungr: then perish idfc

 

mech slut: fucking savange

 

panini: savange

 

nya: savange

 

hungr: savange

 

greeB: savange

 

mech slut: eat shit and die greed

 

greeB: wow rude

 

mech slut: ur rude

 

greeB: no u

 

mech slut: FUCK

 

greeB: i have defeated…………… the all powerful………………… winry rockbell……………………….

 

hungr: wow  
hungr: absolutely amazing  
hungr: astonishing  
hungr: fucking wild

 

greeB: shut ur fuck

 

hungr: no u

 

greeB: >:(((((  
greeB: were it not for the laws of this land i would have slaughtered u

 

hungr: thats nice honey

 

greeB: bIT CH

 

dumb bitch: u rang?

 

greeB: no not u

 

hungr: eddddd hes gonna kill me :((((((

 

dumb bitch: uh not in my group chat  
dumb bitch: go commit murder somewhere else

 

hungr: wow thanks ilu

 

dumb bitch: ilghldkas;ljf3i5j;rtji;eslgjd

 

mech slut: holy shit i think u killed him

 

panini: rip in rest in hell ed  
panini: u wont be missed

 

nya: hey why the fuck did ed throw his phone across the room and through the fucking door

 

mech slut: sfklghsfklj al scroll up scroll up scroll up

 

nya: ksjh holy shit

 

hungr: ????????

 

greeB: god ur an idiot ling

 

 

_thing one >> thing two_

 

thing one: al  
thing one: al holy shit fuck  
thing one: god im fucking gay

 

thing two: uh yeah thats really obvious

 

thing one: ugh its so stupid  
thing one: i fuckin?????????/ yeeted my phone thru the door just bc he said he loved me  
thing one: in a probably very likely joking matter

 

thing two: idk ed  
thing two: you never know

 

thing one: al ur so fucking optimistic how do u do it

 

thing two: idk bro  
thing two: one of us has to be and considering you aren’t optimistic in the s l i g h t e s t  
thing two: its kinda my job

 

thing one: al u fucking blessing of a brother

 

 

_dumb gay >> esteemed lesbian_

 

dumb gay: lan fan i regret literally every decision ive ever made

 

esteemed lesbian: no u dont  
esteemed lesbian: whats up

 

dumb gay: skhf i told ed,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, i loved him,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  
dumb gay: like i was just fucking around istg but ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh  
dumb gay: it was such a dumb thing to say im so dumb skfhbgsdk

 

esteemed lesbian: im sure he just thought u were playing around  
esteemed lesbian: you really should tell him though  
esteemed lesbian: i dont want you to get hurt bc you waited too long

 

dumb gay: ur right,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,  
dumb gay: but im just dont know????????? how???????????  
dumb gay: idfk ill figure it out eventually

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes they're all dumbasses but in a good way


	2. ed bullying and other xtreme sports

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edward - dumb bitch / thing one  
> alphonse - nya / thing two  
> winry - mech slut  
> ling - hungr / dumb gay  
> greed - greeB  
> paninya - panini  
> lan fan - ninjago / esteemed lesbian

_group chat >> meme team dream team _

 

dumb bitch: im gonna fuckinnnnn murder mustang

 

nya: y tho

 

dumb bitch: hes being an ass al

 

mech slut: no i think u just wanna fight him for the sake of fighting him

 

dumb bitch: he called me short!!! im not short!!!!!!!!

 

greeB: but u r?????

 

dumb bitch: FKFKFKFKKF GREED I WILL FUCKING STRANGLE YOU

 

greeB: hah good luck ur too short

 

dumb bitch: yeah but youve sunk low enough for me to reach

 

panini: savage.....

 

hungr: he kinda has a point

 

greeB: fuck u

 

hungr: gross

 

greeB: ur gross

 

hungr: no u

 

ninjago: you two fight like children

ninjago: its hard to believe you two idiots are almost adults

 

hungr: skhfkl lan fan no

 

greeB: mute

 

ninjago: i will crush you beneath my heel, greed

ninjago: dont fucking test me

 

hungr: honest to god dont shes terrifying

 

greeB: i regret everything blease forgive me cousin im too pretty to die

 

ninjago: ………………. ur on thin fucking ice greed

 

greeB: god is real

 

dumb bitch: id call you cowards but lan fan really is terrifying

dumb bitch: and i have izumi curtis as a guardian so i think id know terrifying

 

mech slut: yall r all cowards

mech slut: every single one of you

 

dumb bitch: wow rude

 

mech slut: ur rude

 

dumb bitch: no u

 

panini: stop calling my gf rude :(((((

 

dumb bitch: why should i stop speaking the truth

 

panini: bc those are bold faced lies edward elric

 

dumb bitch: ur a bold faced lie

 

panini wow OKAY

panini: i see how it is

 

dumb bitch: i will throw my arm at u again dont test me woman

 

panini: no u wont because winry will murder u

 

dumb bitch: ah

dumb bitch: shit u rite

dumb bitch: im too gay to die

 

panini: big mood

 

mech slut: god same

 

hungr: huge mood

 

greeB: hah gay

 

panini: yes

 

nya: wild, absolutely wild

nya: who could have guessed 4/7 of the people in this chat are gay

 

ninjago: 5/7

ninjago: girls are hot

 

dumb bitch: al ur sarcasm isnt needed

 

nya: yes????????? it is??????????

 

dumb bitch: no???????? its not?????????

 

nya: it is i will fite u

 

dumb bitch: its not i will beat u

 

nya: youve literally lost in every single one of our fights ed wym

 

panini: a savage……………………

 

dumb bitch: dyjdfg shut fuck up your

 

nya: no u

 

dumb bitch: dyjdrthdgh

 

panini: yikes

 

mech slut: yikes

 

greeB: yikes

 

hungr: yikes

 

dumb bitch: even ling………….. how could you just betray me like this………………………. i thought we had something here…………………………………

 

hungr: xdhfgj

hungr: sorry, the only thing we had were mutual daddy issues

 

panini: yikes

 

dumb bitch: rwgjfgjfgn you wound me

dumb bitch: my heart?????? crushed

dumb bitch: im dying here and you see fit to slander me like this…………..

 

mech slut: god ur so fucking dramatic ed

mech slut: its getting increasingly harder to believe ur a fucking genius prodigy

 

panini: rt

 

nya: rt

 

ninjago: rt

 

greeB: rt

 

dumb bitch: why do you hate me so much

 

greeB: you make it so easy

 

dumb bitch: >:((((((((

 

panini: he has a point tho

 

dumb bitch: blasphemy

 

panini: no u

panini: u r the blasphemy

 

dumb bitch: rude

* * *

 

hungr: i want burger king

hungr: someone come get burger king with me bc greed + lan fan wont :((

 

mech slut: burger king is gross sorry

 

panini: i would if i could but im Broke AF and also busy rn

 

nya: i think eds free rn

 

dumb bitch: im what

 

_thing one >> thing two _

 

thing one: AL

thing one: ALPHONSE WHAT ARE YOU DOING

 

thing two: what needs to be done

  


_groupchat >> meme team dream team _

 

nya: youre free right now right

nya: go make sure ling doesnt die on his burger king trip

  


_thing two >> thing one _

 

thing two: ed if you dont go im going to drag you out of the house and lock you out until you go

  


_groupchat >> meme team dream team _

 

dumb bitch: uh yeah sure

dumb bitch: i’ll go

  


_dumb gay >> esteemed lesbian _

 

dumb gay: LAN FAN

dumb gay: LAN FAN I KNOW YOURE LURKING

dumb gay: LAN FAN IM DYING PLEASR

 

esteemed lesbian: stop being gay for a sec

esteemed lesbian: calm the Fuck down

 

dumb gay: sjfgh ok

dumb gay: ok  
dumb gay: im calm

 

esteemed lesbian: ok

esteemed lesbian: now go get ur man

 

dumb gay: kdfghklsfhg

  


_groupchat >> meme team dream team _

 

hungr: ok

hungr: u want me to pick u up??????? or do u just wanna meet at burger king

 

dumb bitch: uhhhhhhh we can just uh meet there i think

dumb bitch: its not that far from my place so

 

hungr: yeah ok

  


_thing one >> thing two _

 

thing one: ALPHONSE IM LITERALYL SCREAMING

 

thing two: yes i know i can hear you from the kitchen

 

thing one: kserghk im dying al

thing one: plea se bury me

thing one: put ling yao as my fucjign cause of death

 

thing two: youre being over dramatic

thing two: just get dressed and go on your date

 

thing one: ITS NOT A DATE KJFHGLKDJHG

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh shit ed and ling???? going out on a not-date??????????? what happens next?????????? tune in next time to find out
> 
> also uh i dont actually have a plot rn???????????????? whOOPS


	3. ed and ling are gay as hell and theres nothing you can do about it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edward - dumb bitch / thing one / yeet  
> alphonse - nya / thing two / eagle two  
> winry - mech slut / this bitch empty / currently doing that  
> ling - hungr / dumb gay  
> greed - greeB / if i had to pick a dude  
> paninya - panini / eagle one  
> lan fan - ninjago / esteemed lesbian / it happened once in a dream  
> rose - been there done that

_this bitch empty >> yeet _

 

this bitch empty: so :eyes:

this bitch empty: hows that date going

 

yeet: ITS NOT A DATE

yeet: but god hes so???? fuckibg pretty????? even when hes up ordering the most unholy amount of food hes fucking gorgeous

yeet: his hair is down win

 

this bitch empty: oh mannnn

this bitch empty: you have it baddddd

 

yeet: you were the same way w paninya stfu

 

this bitch empty: go kiss ur dumb boyf

 

yeet: HES NOT MY BOYFRIEBD GFNJFKDKD

  


groupchat >> mission impossible

 

currently doing that: ive confirmed that ed indeed is a disaster gay

 

eagle two: i thought we were aware of this to begin with??

 

currently doing that: _[screenshot386582.jpg]_

 

if i had to pick a dude: god what an idiot

 

been there done that: no hes a gay disaster i thought this was established

 

if i had to pick a dude: oh u rite how could i have been so foolish

 

eagle one: ok greeds foolishness aside wheres lan fan

 

it happened once in a dream: tailing gay disasters 1 + 2

 

eagle one: understandable have a nice day

 

been there done that: what are they doing

 

it happened once in a dream: being useless

it happened once in a dream: edward has his food, ling is still waiting

it happened once in a dream: ling is trying to steal his fries

 

currently doing that: typical

 

it happened once in a dream: ling just got his food and is devouring it in typical fashion

it happened once in a dream: edward is staring at him like hes a god

 

if i had to pick a dude: gay

 

been there done that: idk sounds kinda cute

 

it happened once in a dream: _[image48285.jpg]_

 

eagle two: wow thats

eagle two: ive never seen ed look at anyone like that

eagle two: even when he had that hopeless crush on winry when we were kids

 

been there done that: thats so sweet wtf

been there done that: he looks??? so soft for ling

 

eagle one: thats incredibly gay

  


_this bitch empty >> yeet _

 

this bitch empty: kiss him

 

yeet: gfkssh wh a t

 

this bitch empty: kiss him u fool

 

yeet: N

yeet: NO?????

yeet: im not gonna kiss him unless he says i can

 

this bitch empty: thats so sweet

this bitch empty: .......sickening

  


_groupchat >> mission impossible _

 

currently doing that: _[screenshot237845.jpg]_

 

eagle one: holy shit

eagle one: thats?????????? so sickeningly sweet wtf

 

if i had to pick a dude: since when has edward fucking elric been capable of being sweet

 

eagle two: he’s actually pretty sweet behind the thousands of layers of sarcasm, anger, and other negative emotions he displays.

 

been there done that: he’s the one who told me to stand up on my own two good legs after i lost my boyfriend

been there done that: so i’m not surprised

been there done that: he’s incredibly sweet when he wants to be

 

if i had to pick a dude: thats so fucking wild

if i had to pick a dude: i never thought that pipsqueak could ever be capable of anything other than rage and sarcasm

 

eagle two: well now you know lmao

 

eagle one: ok eds secret soft side aside lan fan whats up with them now

 

it happened once in a dream: they’re being sickeningly cute

it happened once in a dream: ling is stealing edwards chicken fingers and edward is seemingly none the wiser

it happened once in a dream: oh he just slapped ling never mind. thats gonna leave a bruise.

 

currently doing that: yikes

 

it happened once in a dream: i think ling is trying to flirt his way out of trouble bc edward is really red now

 

currently doing that: pictures pictures pictures

 

eagle one: ^^

 

if i had to pick a dude: ^

 

been there done that: ^^^

 

it happened once in a dream: _[image27693.jpg]_

 

been there done that: thats cute

 

currently doing that: hah gay

 

eagle two: extremely

  


_dumb gay >> esteemed lesbian _

 

dumb gay: lan fan oh my goddddd

dumb gay: lan fan hes so cute what do i do

 

esteemed gay: what do you think you should do

 

dumb gay: uh?????????? i wanna fucking kiss that cute face of his

dumb gay: but???????/ what if he doesnt like me like that????????????

dumb gay: what if he pushes me away and hates me forever

 

esteemed lesbian: you’re being dramatic

esteemed lesbian: just kiss him??? or ask to if thats what youre hung up on

 

dumb gay: yeah

dumb gay: yeah okay

  


_groupchat >> mission impossible _

 

it happened once in a dream: _[screenshot23985.jpg]_

it happened once in a dream: sometimes my cousin is a dumbass and i have to do all the work

 

eagle one: god bless lan fan

eagle one: doing the lords work here

 

currently doing that: bless

currently doing that: we stan one queen

 

it happened once in a dream: thanks

it happened once in a dream: o h holy shi t

it happened once in a dream: oh wow he really did it

 

currently doing that: ????

currently doing that: deets lan fan, we need em

 

it happened once in a dream: edward will probably tell yall later 

it happened once in a dream: don’t worry

 

if i had to pick a dude: wow way to leave us on a cliffhanger lan fan

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh whoops theres plenty of Gay in this fic today  
> also rose makes an appearance bc i love her!!!!!!! and i'll probably yeet her into the Main Chat later bc there needs to be more rose content in the world


	4. ed and ling are gay as hell and theres nothing you can do about it: the sequel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edward - dumb bitch / thing one / yeet / zoinks  
> alphonse - nya / thing two / eagle two  
> winry - mech slut / this bitch empty / currently doing that  
> ling - hungr / dumb gay  
> greed - greeB / if i had to pick a dude  
> paninya - panini / eagle one  
> lan fan - ninjago / esteemed lesbian / it happened once in a dream  
> rose - hewwo / yikes / been there done that

_groupchat >> mission impossible _

 

currently doing that: yall lan fan lied to us

 

eagle one: orlly now

 

currently doing that: yeah i haven’t gotten any screaming messages from ed and al says he hasn’t either (but idk if we can trust his word bc hes an angel boy esp with his brother and his wishes)

currently doing that: its been two days i need to know what happened

 

eagle one: he’s been acting incredibly normal hm

 

eagle two: hm maybe???? if he hasnt told anyone anything???? yall should leave him alone until he does tell?????

 

been there done that: ^^

 

currently doing that: shit u rite

currently doing that: al ur a blessing ilu

 

eagle two: yes yes i know

 

_groupchat >> meme team dream team _

 

dumb bitch: u kno i just remembered we never added rose to this chat??????

dumb bitch: utterly disgraceful

 

mech slut: oh shit u rite

 

dumb bitch: ofc i am

dumb bitch: anyways now i gotta remedy this great injustice

 

_zoinks >> yikes _

 

zoinks: aye rose

zoinks: im gonna add u to the main gc with The Gang

 

yikes: god finally  
yikes: its been 84 years

 

_groupchat >> meme team dream team _

 

**rose has joined the chat !**

 

rose: oh this wont do

rose: this wont do at all

 

_**rose** has changed their name to **hewwo**_

 

dumb bitch: god i regret literally everything

 

hewwo: no u dont

 

dunb bitch: yes i do

 

hungr: no you dont

 

dumb bitch: ................... k no i dont

 

panini: jinkies

 

mech slut: owo whats this

 

dumb bitch: die

 

mech slut: WOW RUDE  
mech slut: this is bullying i feel bullied

 

dumb bitch: this is entirely your fault wym

 

mech slut: shut fuck the up

 

dumb bitch: no u

 

mech slut: FUCK

 

dumb bitch: B)

 

greeB: so childish

 

dumb bitch: fuck off

 

greeB: no u

 

dumb bitch: asjkfbhkhs

 

hewwo: yikes

 

hungr: wow i cant believe greed broke my ed

hungr: now i gotta get a new one >:(((

 

dumb bitch: KHFRKLSHK

 

panini: YOUR ed???????? :eyes:

 

dumb bitch: sfkghkfhg mute paninya

 

panini: yikes

 

mech slut: yikes

 

greeB: yikes

 

hewwo: yikes

 

dumb bitch: stop

 

nya: yikes

 

dumb bitch: this is betrayal of the absolute highest caliber  
dumb bitch: i trusted you alphonse

 

nya: that was your mistake

 

dumb bitch: sjhfgsjh

dumb bitch: ling theyre bullying me :((((((((

 

hungr: tragic

 

dumb bitch: kshgdfhgdfjk

dumb bitch: i thought we had something

dumb bitch: i love and appreciate you and this is the thanks i get

 

panini: jinkies

 

mech slut: love and appreciate him, hmmmmmmmmm?????????????????

 

dumb bitch: KHAGKHS MUTE WINRY

 

hungr: yikes

 

dumb bitch: skflsdkjf ling plEaSE

dumb bitch: i take back everything good ive ever said about you

 

hungr: :((((( y tho

 

dumb bitch: bc ur mean to me >:((

 

hungr: its a symbol of my affection tho

 

dumb bitch: k but: ur lying

dumb bitch: you and i both know thats not you being affectionate its u being a DICK

 

ninjago: stop flirting youre confusing everyone else

 

dumb bitch: skfhgkdjhg we’rere not flirting :((((((

 

ninjago: denial is not a good look on you, and you dont look that good to begin with

ninjago: idk what ling sees in u

 

dumb bitch: kdfghkdgdfjh lan fan please

dumb bitch: dont slander me like this :(((((((

 

hungr: im sorry ed but i was flirting w u so this slander is acceptable

 

dumb bitch: ling plEA SE

 

panini: hey uh

panini: care to enlighten the audience

 

ninjago: what enlightening is there needed?????? theyre just idiot gays and we all knew that

 

hungr: lan fan :(((((((((( cousin :((((((((((((((((((( why are you so cruel to me :((((((((((((((((

 

ninjago: its the truth

 

hungr: :’(

 

panini: ok point made

panini: but???????? like????????????? how did they go from idiots who couldnt talk to each other to idiots who flirt w each other

 

hewwo: it’s kind of obvious when you think abt it????????

hewwo: something obviously happened the other day

hewwo: something that got them to actually acknowledge their feelings for each other

hewwo: ....and act on them

 

nya: they kissed

 

dumb bitch: AL SDFKLGHSDKLFJGH

 

mech slut: WHAT???????!?!?!?!!!!!!!!  
mech slut: WHAT???????????????????!?!?!?!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

hungr: yea

hungr: we just didnt tell u guys bc we knew (ed knew) wed get this kinda reaction

 

panini: betrayal.....................

 

dumb bitch: i just didnt want a bunch of people screaming at me

dumb bitch: or the expected “i told u so”

dumb bitch: its kind of bad enough that lan fan knew, al found out, and greed somehow did as well

 

greeB: my friend martel was there  
greeB: she was getting burger king for her and her girlfriend and saw you two kiss

greeB: and knowing ling was my twin she told me

 

dumb bitch: >:((( ur friends suck

 

hewwo: w wait

hewwo: martel?????? as in, friends with dolcetto and roa martel???????

 

greeB: yeah???????????

 

hewwo: oh my g od  d thats my g i r l  f r i e nd

 

nya: oh what a small world

 

hewwo: ed,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, u didnt tell me my girlfriend was friends with your boyfriends twin

 

mech slut: BOYFRIEND???????

 

dumb bitch: i mean duh thats kinda what happens when u kiss someone and acknowledge you have mutual feelings for each other

dumb bitch: also yeah uh oops it slipped my mind ig

 

hewwo: i cant fucking believe...........................

 

dumb bitch: dont fucking judge me every time the subject came up i was having a gay crisis or was half delirious from sleep deprivation

dumb bitch: or extremely caffeinated, that one time u dared talk to me after i chugged two giant thermoses full of stale coffee and energy drink mixed together

 

panini: holy shit how are u alive rn

 

dumb bitch: god took one fucking look at me and said “i dont want you” and i punched him in the face

 

nya: he did i was there

 

mech slut: oh my god ive heard this so many times yall did not meet god and ed did not punch him in the face

 

dumb bitch: k but how do u know

 

nya: ^^

 

hewwo: he has a point u kno

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ooh!!!!!! ohh!!!!!! the truth comes out!!!! ed kissed ling and now theyre BOYFRIENDS!!!!!!!!!!
> 
> also uh you can tear rose/martel out of my cold dead hands because they both deserved so much better and i love them uwu
> 
> **just an afterthought but this chapter alone is like 1k of the word count and it was completely unintentional whoops


	5. october 3.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edward - dumb bitch / golden retriever  
> alphonse - nya  
> winry - mech slut / tinkerbell  
> ling - hungr / dumb gay / zing / squinty eyes  
> greed - greeB  
> paninya - panini  
> lan fan - ninjago / esteemed lesbian  
> rose - hewwo

_groupchat >> meme team dream team_

 

hungr: hey uh has?????? anyone seen ed today

hungr: or heard from him for that matter

 

panini: nope

 

hewwo: i havent

 

greeB: nah

 

hewwo: nobodys heard from al either, right?

 

mech slut: i have actually

mech slut: theyre fine

mech slut: todays just tough for them

 

hungr: ????

 

mech slut: im not surprised they didnt tell you. they dont like people worrying about them or treating them like theyre fragile.

mech slut: today is the day their mom died.

 

hungr: oh

hungr: ohh

 

mech slut: yeah

mech slut: like i said, they’ll be fine.

mech slut: just dont treat them like theyre fragile.

 

panini: of course

 

 

 

_squinty eyes >> golden retriever_

squinty eyes: hey

squinty eyes: are you okay?

 

 

 

_zing >> tinkerbell_

 

 

zing: hey winryyyyy

 

tinkerbell: whats up

 

zing: what kind of movies does ed like?

 

tinkerbell: uh???

tinkerbell: he likes action ofc

tinkerbell: he also likes horror and comedy

 

zing: i see

 

tinkerbell: also

tinkerbell: only al and i know this

tinkerbell: but he also really likes cheesy romance

 

zing: !

zing: thats cute

 

tinkerbell: why do you ask??

 

zing: im gonna go kidnap ed and force him to watch movies with me

 

tinkerbell: i see

tinkerbell: good luck with that

 

zing: yep

 

 

 

_golden retriever >> squinty eyes_

golden retriever: im fine

 

squinty eyes: no ur not now open ur window

 

golden retriever: ??????

 

squinty eyes: pls babe

squinty eyes: just do it :((

 

golden retriever: ok??????

 

 

 

_esteemed lesbian >> dumb gay_

esteemed lesbian: why do i hear yelling

esteemed lesbian: is that edward yelling

 

dumb gay: yep

dumb gay: i kidnapped him and am forcing him to watch movies with me

 

esteemed lesbian: understandable have a nice day

esteemed lesbian: i will inform greed

 

dumb gay: thanks lan fan ilu ♡

 

esteemed lesbian: ….

esteemed lesbian: ♡

 

 

 

_groupchat >> meme team dream team_

nya: has anybody seen edward???

nya: hes not in his room or anywhere else in the house and his window is open

 

hungr: ah that would be my fault

hungr: hes find dw alphonse

hungr: i just thought he could use a little cheering up so i kidnapped him and hes now watching cheesy romance movies with me

 

nya: ah

nya: i see

 

hungr: sorry if my actions worried you!!

 

nya: no its fine

nya: im honestly happier now!! brother always takes today harder than i do

nya: maybe because he was closer to mom??? or maybe bc thats when he lost his limbs????? i honestly dont know

nya: but hes not moping around this time!!! which makes me really happy

nya: so thank you ling

 

hungr: it’s no problem dude

 

hewwo: thats so sweet alphonse

 

mech slut: ^^

 

panini: ^^^^

 

ninjago: ^

 

nya: ahahahahah thanks guys

 

mech slut: if u ever need to talk al, were here

mech slut: for both you and ed

mech slut: you just gotta ask

 

nya: ah… thank you winry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi uh angst?????? on october the third??????? u bet ur left tit
> 
> anyways its relatively short in comparison to everything else but really this was just a small thing i pounded out bc i felt like it was Necessary considering the date
> 
> nonetheless, i hope you enjoyed!


	6. the dumbest of bitches (and other assorted characters)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edward - dumb bitch  
> alphonse - nya  
> winry - mech slut  
> ling - hungr  
> greed - greeB / gimme gimme  
> paninya - panini  
> lan fan - ninjago  
> rose - hewwo

_groupchat >> the dumbest of bitches_

 

 

gimme gimme: aye martel

 

salazar slytherin: aye whats up

 

gimme gimme: since when????? were you dating my idiot brothers boyfriends friend

 

salazar slytherin: ??

salazar slytherin: are u talking about that blondie that was all over ling in bk the other day

 

gimme gimme: who else

 

salazar slytherin: ah well

salazar slytherin: i actually didnt know my girlfriend was old friends with your twins boyfriend

salazar slytherin: i just found out the other day

 

gimme gimme: i see

 

furry: small world amirite

 

salazar slytherin: ig

 

off brand snek: hey has anyone ever wondered like

off brand snek: why????? we all seem to know each other

off brand snek: bc everyone seems to know each other now and its Wild

 

furry: _[[thinking.gif](https://giphy.com/gifs/IQ47VvDzlzx9S)]_

furry: u have a point there

furry: maybe its like, the fault of some supernatural being or something

 

off brand snek: maybe…………………

 

gimme gimme: go come up with conspiracy theories somewhere else u nerds

 

furry: uh rude

 

salazar slytherin: hold on now

salazar slytherin: i think they’re on to something here greed

 

gimme gimme: oh my goddd not you too

 

 

 

_groupchat >> meme team dream team_

 

 

greeB: oh my g od i need new a new friend group mine is defective

 

dumb bitch: no im sure its just you

 

greeB: shut up pipsqueak

 

dumb bitch: WFKGHWEKLHWE WHO TH EUF KC ARE YOU CALLING SO SMAL L THATT HEY CAN TFUCKI GN SE EOV ER THE FU CKJIGN COU NTERTOP A TMC DONA LSDS KGHKHGEKLHLFGKEJ

 

panini: literally nobody said that ever stfu

 

dumb bitch: I WILL FUCKIGN EN D YOU PANINAY

 

panini: paninay

 

mech slut: paninay

 

greeB: paninay

 

hewwo: paninay

 

nya: paninay

 

dumb bitch: sdkghskhfg a l p h o n s e

dumb bitch: i trusted you

dumb bitch: i loved and appreciated you

 

nya: yeah uh that was your mistake

 

dumb bitch: shlgksf wow okay

dumb bitch: uhhh i wonder who these popsicles in the fridge belong to

dumb bitch: huh it would sure be a shame if i were to eat them all

 

nya: ED

nya: ED NO

nya: EDWARD PLEASE

 

dumb bitch: IT WOULD SURE BE A SHAME

 

nya: god ed please i would literally do anything please dont eat my popsicles

 

dumb bitch: ok :)

 

nya: i regret literally every decision i ever made ever

 

mech slut: rip in rest in hell alphonse

mech slut: he was a ray of light in this dark hell called life

mech slut: he will be dearly missed

 

* * *

 

nya: i lived bitch

 

panini: HE LIVES!!!!!!!!!

panini: what kind of unfathomable tortures did you recieve

 

nya: uh he just made me run errands

nya: i escaped bc he fell asleep while i was out

 

mech slut: he sleeps too much smh

 

nya: i think its a side effect of punching god in the face

 

mech slut: shklfg not that again

 

nya: orrr, a significantly less plausible answer: he gets it from Cryptid

 

mech slut: Cryptid?????

mech slut: i thought he slept like, too little

mech slut: i have a really vivid memory of sleeping over at yalls place and getting up at like 3 am to get a drink and he was sitting in the kitchen fully awake??? it was fucking weird man

 

nya: so its probably a side effect of punching god in the face

nya: bc honestly it was only after that that he started sleeping a lot more

nya: and his usual appetite got even bigger

 

mech slut: oh shit u rite

mech slut: huh thats wild

 

panini: hey babe care to elaborate on what the Fuck this conversation is about

 

mech slut: its about ed duh

 

panini: yes obviously

panini: but who??????? is cryptid??????

 

mech slut: ah

mech slut: well u see

 

nya: hes our (mind and eds) dad

nya: ed hates him with every fiber of his being

nya: i dont remember him much

 

greeB: k but why is he called Cryptid

 

nya: ah well

nya: he left us and mom when we were younger

nya: a few months before the accident

 

greeB: ah

 

hewwo: al, your and eds family is fucking wild i hope you know that

 

nya: oh yeah definitely

nya: my brother is missing half his limbs, my mom is dead, Cryptid is fucking idk probably dead in a ditch somewhere

nya: and dont get me started on his evil twin

 

panini: wait what

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> martel - salazar slytherin  
> dolcetto - furry  
> bido - off brand snek
> 
> hey wow we're just getting more and more characters in here hell yeah
> 
> also???? hm????????? Cryptid, i wonder who that is /joke
> 
> anyways uh this was really fun to write and i hope it was just as fun to read ehehe


	7. >:(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edward - dumb bitch  
> alphonse - nya  
> winry - mech slut  
> ling - hungr  
> greed - greeB  
> paninya - panini  
> lan fan - ninjago  
> rose - hewwo

_groupchat >> meme team dream team_

dumb bitch: wow i really wanna throw my arm at someone

dumb bitch: that someone being my dumb idiot cousin(s)

 

nya: you cant throw your arm at people ed

nya:  no matter how annoying they are

 

dumb bitch: but alllllllllllllllll :((((

dumb bitch: can i punch them at least????

 

nya: no

 

dumb bitch: but they deserve it

 

nya: just because you hate Cryptid and everyone on his side of the family doesnt mean you have to throw your goddamn metal arm at them for no reason

 

dumb bitch: but i have a reason!! they called me short!!

dumb bitch: and that stupid palm tree lookin bastard kicked me

 

nya: still isnt an excuse to throw your arm at them

 

panini: hello, care to explain to the audience

 

hewwo: yes please

 

nya: uhh we encountered some family today

 

dumb bitch: they were assholes

 

nya: shut up ed

nya: anyways i had to literally fucking drag ed away from one of our cousins before he literally fought them

nya: this was in mcdonalds btw

 

panini: oh my god

 

mech slut: cousins????????? on Cryptid’s side of the family????????

 

dumb bitch: yeah theyre his evil twins dumbass kids

dumb bitch: god theyre named after the seven deadly sins its so fucking stupid

 

greeB: hello i take offense to this statement

 

dumb bitch: shut up greed

 

panini: s

panini: so there really is an evil twin???????????????????

 

nya: yeah

nya: the one (1) time ed met him he tried to punch him in the face

 

panini: wow what an idiot

 

mech slut: ed why are you always trying to punch someone

 

dumb bitch: i am not

 

nya: you are

 

mech slut: ^

 

panini: ^

 

greeB: ^^

 

hewwo: ^^^

 

hungr: ^

 

ninjago: ^^^

 

dumb bitch: hey this????? betrayal. i trusted all of you.

 

ninjago: that was your mistake.

 

dumb bitch: sfijgbdf

 

* * *

 

 

greeB: i crave the sweet release of death

 

dumb bitch: Big Fucking Mood

 

mech slut: wow edgelords

 

dumb bitch: jsgsk shush winry

 

mech slut: hm no

 

dumb bitch: >:/

 

panini: why do u crave death

 

greeB: fuckin uhhhh i was fucking slammed straight into like 10000000 different emotions all at once and im now Very Disoriented

 

dumb bitch: Yikes that sucks

dumb bitch: i know how that feels

 

panini: rip in rest in hell greed

 

greeB: if only it was that easy

 

hewwo: why are greed and ed always craving death like stop being so edgy go outside

 

greeB: but the couch is so comfy :(

 

hungr: lazy

 

greeB: hskdgl mute

 

hungr: no u

 

greeB: FUCK

 

dumb bitch: the evil has been defeated

 

greeB: >:(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uh this is short whoops  
> but its my fic and the chapters can be as long or as short as i want them to be!!!!  
> anyways uh theres more on ed and al's dumbass family and greed and ed being edge, which is always nice lmao


	8. the great hogwarts house debate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edward - dumb bitch  
> alphonse - nya  
> winry - mech slut  
> ling - hungr / amethyst  
> greed - greeB / pearl  
> paninya - panini  
> lan fan - ninjago / garnet  
> rose - hewwo

_groupchat_ _> > the crystal gems_

steven: yall alphonse is so fucking s o f t

steven: i would literally fucking die for him

 

amethyst: what is he doing?

 

steven: fuckin,,,,,,,, petting stray cats

steven: they just fucking flock to him its so cute!!!!! and hes so good to them

 

pearl: fucking whipped

 

steven: kasdhhfsdfhks shut!

 

amethyst: dont listen to greed we love and support you and your love for al

 

garnet: we do

 

steven: aww thanks guys

 

 

 

_groupchat >> meme team dream team_

nya: god i fuckin,,,,,,,,,,,, love cats so much

 

dumb bitch: we all are aware

 

nya: ed why cant we have a cat :(((

 

dumb bitch: bc we cant

dumb bitch: you know im allergic to the fur  
  
nya: we could get a hairless cat

 

dumb bitch: they’re expensive

 

nya: :(((  
  
dumb bitch: sorry al

 

panini: thats why you dont like cats???

 

dumb bitch: you didnt know??

 

panini: no??? how was i supposed to know???

 

dumb bitch: idk i thought winry would have told you or smth

dumb bitch: im not just a ruthless cat hater for no reason. i cant have/be around dogs or other generally furry creatures either.

 

hewwo: you lead a cursed life………….

 

nya: he does

 

dumb bitch: i do

 

* * *

 

 

hewwo: huh have you guys ever wondered what hogwarts houses you guys would be in

hewwo: id be a hufflepuff

 

mech slut: id be a ravenclaw hands down klhdfl

 

panini: you would

panini: i’d be like??? idk a fucking hufflepuff as well or something

 

ninjago: slytherin

 

greeB: ^

 

nya: me and ed are hufflepuffs too

 

panini: ed??????? a hufflepuff????????

 

nya: the most notable traits of hufflepuff are hard working, dedicated, loyal, and patient

nya: ed is like 3/4 of those things ok

 

panini: shit u rite

panini: i thought hed be like a fucking ravenclaw or smth hes literally a genius

 

nya: no hes a hufflepuff

 

ninjago: he could really fit in all the houses couldn’t he?

 

hewwo: you’re so right

 

mech slut: he’d probably be a hat stall

 

greeB: nah he’d probably just yell at the hat and make it just put him in a house

 

mech slut: shit u rite

 

greeB: of course i am

 

dumb bitch: i should really be offended but youre right i would

 

panini: who are you and what have you done with edward elric

 

dumb bitch: fuck off

 

panini: :////

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> mei - steven
> 
> mei is here!! and also hogwarts house discussions. ed is a hufflepuff and you can tear this hc from my cold dead hands :)


	9. they are real

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edward - dumb bitch / golden retriever  
> alphonse - nya  
> winry - mech slut  
> ling - hungr / squinty eyes / amethyst  
> greed - greeB / pearl  
> paninya - panini  
> lan fan - ninjago / garnet  
> rose - hewwo  
> martel - salazar slytherin  
> dolcetto - furry  
> bido - off brand snek  
> mei - steven

_groupchat >> the dumbest of bitches_

furry: do u think aliens are real

 

salazar slytherin: is this a real question??? ofc they are

 

off brand snek: ^^

 

gimme gimme: normally i would shun you all for this but they are real and those are the facts

 

furry: who are you and what have you done with greed

 

gimme gimme: oh fuck off

 

furry: oh nvm

 

gimme gimme: >:(

 

 

 

_groupchat >> the crystal gems_

amethyst: huh ed is so soft

amethyst: i love my boyfriend

 

pearl: gay

 

amethyst: stfu

 

steven: why are the elrics so soft????

 

amethyst: How Do They Do It

 

pearl: gross

 

steven: Rude

 

pearl: no u

 

steven: >:(

 

 

 

_groupchat >> meme team dream team_

 

nya: my brother and his boyfriend are being sickeningly sweet someone save me

 

panini: rip in rest in hell lil man

 

nya: i just…… went to ask ed………. if he wanted pizza……………

nya: but there he was……… fucking cuddling with ling……………

 

greeB: lmaooo

 

nya: its not funny :((((((

nya: i didnt even know ling was here

nya: he sure didnt come in through the front door

 

greeB: he probably just climbed through the window like usual

 

nya: huh

nya: u rite

 

panini: k but did he ever say if he wanted pizza this is Important Info

 

nya: yeah he said he wanted pepperoni but im pretty sure im gonna have to buy like 10 boxes just bc of his black hole of a boyfriend

 

mech slut: make him pay for it

 

nya: ……..an excellent idea

 

* * *

 

dumb bitch: hm leave me alone :((((

dumb bitch: i wanna love and appreciate my boyfriend in peace :((((((((

mech slut: sorry ed were legally obligated to make fun of you

 

dumb bitch: hmmmmmm lies

 

mech slut: Incorrect

 

 

 

_squinty eyes >> golden retriever_

squinty eyes: hey ed

 

golden retriever: im literally right next to you

golden retriever: what do you want

 

squinty eyes: wanna summon some fucking demons later

 

golden retriever: how romantic

golden retriever: sure lmao

 

squinty eyes: yell heah

 

 

 

 _groupchat_ _> > meme team dream team_

ninjago: suddenly i got the feeling that ling is about to make a very bad decision

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aliens, cute boyfriends, and demons oh my! what will happen when ed and ling try and summon demons?? find out next time on full mango owochemist


	10. demon summoning is a demanding task

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edward - dumb bitch / thing one / golden retriever  
> alphonse - nya / thing two  
> winry - mech slut  
> ling - hungr / squinty eyes  
> greed - greeB  
> paninya - panini  
> lan fan - ninjago  
> rose - hewwo

_thing one >> thing two_

thing one: hey al do we have candles

thing one: and if so, where

 

thing two: uh they’re in the coat closet, top shelf

thing two: wait why do you need them

 

thing one: thanks bye al

 

 

 

 _groupchat_ _> > meme team dream team_

nya: i think my brother is about to do something b a d

 

panini: when isnt he doing something bad

 

nya: you raise a fair point

nya: but

nya: he asked me for candles?? he never uses candles. ever.

 

greeB: hes asking for weird shit too?????

 

ninjago: well that confirms the theory that ed and ling are definitely doing something stupid together

 

mech slut: sounds about right

 

hewwo: ok but what did ling ask for

 

greeB: hmm

greeB: he came to me asking if he could borrow one of my/ red markers?? and asked if i was gonna eat the steak in the freezer

 

ninjago: and he asked me for incense

 

hewwo: what the gosh damn diddly darn is going on here

 

nya: i dont think we’ll know until it happens

nya: considering i dont know where ed is, and he’s probably with ling, and you guys probably don’t know where ling is because he was probably a literal escape artist in a past life

 

greeB: you’re right but you shouldnt say it

 

 

 

 _golden retriever_ _> > squinty eyes_

golden retriever: you got everything else?

 

squinty eyes: yeah

squinty eyes: you got the candles

 

golden retriever: yeah

 

squinty eyes: i grabbed some food from the pantry as offerings

squinty eyes: do you think demons like frozen steak

 

golden retriever: eh probably

 

squinty eyes: lmao

squinty eyes: we’re meeting at that abandoned building by the shopquick, right

 

golden retriever: mhm

golden retriever: you on your way?

 

squinty eyes: yea ill be there in a few

 

golden retriever: if shit goes wrong im blaming you <3

 

squinty eyes: as expected <3

 

* * *

 

 _ **[UNSENT]**_ golden retriever: ling?? where are you

 

* * *

 

 _ **[UNSENT]**_ squinty eyes: ed, did you bail on me or something??? its pretty fucking rude to just run out during a demonic summoning ritual

 _ **[UNSENT]**_ squinty eyes: ed???

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ;)


	11. demons 2: electric boogaloo

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edward - dumb bitch / thing one  
> alphonse - nya / thing two / sans undertale  
> winry - mech slut / im already tracer  
> ling - hungr / squinty eyes  
> greed - greeB  
> paninya - panini  
> lan fan - ninjago  
> rose - hewwo

_thing one >> thing two_

thing one: al

thing one: al ive made a mistake

 

thing two: ed??  
  
thing one: im at shopquik

 

thing two: im omw

 

thing one: please hurry

 

 

 

_sans undertale_ _> > im already tracer_

sans undertale: uh so you know how we said ed and ling were going to do something stupid

 

im already tracer: yes?

 

sans undertale: well uh

sans undertale: ling is missing?  
  
im already tracer: oh no

im already tracer: how is ed ??

 

sans undertale: hes physically fine but

sans undertale: he isnt taking it well

 

im already tracer: i can come over ?

 

sans undertale: i think that would be good

sans undertale: we’re outside of shopquik

sans undertale: maybe you can get more out of him than i can

 

im already tracer: im omw

im already tracer: want me to tell the others??

 

sans undertale: if you wouldn’t mind

 

 

 

_groupchat >> meme team dream team_

mech slut: hey so we were right when we said ed and ling were doing something stupid

mech slut: ling is missing

mech slut: al hasnt gotten anything else out of ed and im omw there now

mech slut: ill let you all know if anything else happens

 

greeB: oh shit

 

panini: is ed ok??

 

ninjago: he’ll probably be fine, ling too. it’s not like we can do anything right now anyways, not until we get more info.

 

hewwo: what lan fan said! really, the most we can do right now is offer our support without being too suffocating in the process. we all know how ed gets about that stuff.

 

panini: u rite, u rite

 

* * *

 

mech slut: ed’s more coherent now, this is what weve gotten out of him:

mech slut: apparently they were trying to summon a demon?? from what we’ve gathered it was lings idea

mech slut: neither of them were actually taking it that seriously?? or at least ed wasnt

mech slut: it was supposed to be at that one abandoned place by shopquik?? but apparently ling up and disappeared

mech slut: which is weird because his car is in front of the building, both al and i saw it on the way here

 

ninjago: hmmm

 

greeB: maybe the demons took ling

 

mech slut: knowing eds track record with this type of thing... you might just be right

 

greeB: u know, i have never before wanted to be wrong as much as i want to be now

 

panini: Yikes

 

ninjago: we could help try and look for ling??

ninjago: if it really was a demon or some shit we could try and figure out what they were doing specifically to summon the demon

ninjago: like maybe a game or something? or a specific ritual, or something of that sort

 

mech slut: you are right and you should say it

 

ninjago: i really wish i wasnt

 

greeB: that seems to be the common theme of today

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi im sorry i made yall wait for two whole gotdamb months i been busy  
> finals kicked my ASS and i havent had actual gotdamb wifi since halloween (ive had this done for a week now but i havent been able to post bc of this)  
> anyways happy crimus!! heres ur gift <3333 an actual update


	12. he back babey

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edward - dumb bitch  
> alphonse - nya   
> winry - mech slut  
> ling - hell sucks  
> greed - greeB / gimme gimme  
> paninya - panini  
> lan fan - ninjago  
> rose - hewwo  
> martel - salazar slytherin  
> dolcetto - furry  
> bido - off brand snek

_groupchat >> meme team dream team_

 

ninjago: what the FUCK

greeB: WHAT THE FUCK

 

panini: what the fuck??

 

hewwo: why is everyone screaming

 

panini: im not

 

hewwo: why are greed and lan fan screaming

 

greeB: FUCKIGN

 

ninjago: ling just.

ninjago: climebd in through the kicthen window

ninjago: ate half the fridge

ninjago: is refusing to answer anything

 

greeB: IM GONNA FUCKING PUNCH HIM

 

ninjago: greed is about to punch ling

 

panini: WHAT the ABSOLUTE FUCK

 

dumb bitch: WHAT

 

nya: ed just ran out the door without his shoes on whats going on

nya: oh SHIT never mind im omw too to make sure ed doesnt kill his boyfriend

 

ninjago: yea that might be a good idea

 

mech slut: im so Confused

 

hewwo: so am i

 

panini: what a wild ride

 

* * *

 

nya: ling is back and emo????

nya: he said hell has bad food and i dont doubt him??????????

 

panini: what the Fuck

 

nya: im so???? confusion its wild at the yao residence

nya: lan fan had to tie down both greed and ed bc they both were .5 seconds away from punching ling

nya: im tempted to kick his ass myself for disappearing like that???? he freaked ed the fuck out and hasnt said anything about it yet

 

mech slut: yikes

 

panini: jinkies

 

ninjago: ling needs to get not emo bc its freaking even me out

 

mech slut: give him food?? ninjago: would be a good idea if we hadnt already tried that

 

panini: let ed punch some sense into him?

 

ninjago: perhaps...

 

hewwo: maybe hes possessed throw some salt at him

 

ninjago: hmmm........

ninjago: hes not possessed i threw salt at him and he yelled wtf

ninjago: i’ll let ed punch him

 

hewwo: rip in rest in hell ling

 

 

 

_groupchat >> the dumbest of bitches_

gimme gimme: hey google how do you fix someone who just came back from probable literal hell

 

salazar slytherin: hey greed what the Fuck

 

gimme gimme: dumb ass idiots 1 + 2 decided summoning demons was a good idea, my brother got fucking kidnapped to hell

 

furry: h e y g r e e d w h a t t h e F u c k

 

gimme gimme: Bad Things happen around edward elric

gimme gimme: also

gimme gimme: _[getdecked.mp3]_

 

furry: goodbye ling yao

 

salazar slytherin: he’ll be fine its not the metal arm

 

furry: the what

 

off brand snek: the what

 

gimme gimme: ah yes the metal arm

gimme gimme: it hurts like a motherfucker to be hit with trust me

 

salazar slytherin: lmaooooo

 

furry: THE WHAT

 

salazar slytherin: o, u didnt kno?

 

gimme gimme: dumb blond bitchbaby has a metal arm and leg

 

 

 

_groupchat_ _> > meme team dream team_

 

hewwo: u kno

hewwo: going back to school after this wild weekend is gonna be weird

 

panini: youre right

panini: we’ll have Regular Teen worries like

panini: will i fail the math test on tuesday

 

hewwo: will they finally have doritos in the vending machine

 

mech slut: will mr hughes ever shut up about his daughter

 

ninjago: will the hot girl in my chem class ever notice me

 

panini: owo?

 

ninjago: ya theres this rly hot girl in my chem class

ninjago: idk her name bc im never paying attention during roll but

ninjago: man shes HOT

 

panini: sounds gay

 

ninjago: ur right but u shouldnt say it

 

mech slut: what does she look like? maybe one of us know her

 

ninjago: hmm ok

ninjago: she has long black hair, and tbfh looks kinda xingese?? i think maybe its just the eyes tho

ninjago: usually wearing black? most of her outfits look like her third billionaire husband just died of mysterious causes

 

hewwo: ohhhh i think i might know who youre talking about

hewwo: if im right shes in my english class so i think i might have a picture

 

panini: why would you have a picture of her if shes in your english class

 

hewwo: i photograph for the yearbook, remember? i took a few pictures of my english class during the big poetry bash in september when we went down to look at the exhibits

 

panini: ohhhhhhhh makes sense

 

hewwo: _[poetrybash2.png]_

hewwo: this her??

 

ninjago: yea!

 

dumb bitch: what the FUCK

 

panini: nani

 

dumb bitch: thats my fucking cousin?!!?!?

dumb bitch: lan fan what the Fuck????

 

ninjago: w

 

panini: what?? the Fuck??????

panini: she cant be related to you?? shes too hot??????

 

dumb bitch: 1) rude 2) shes definitely my cousin id recognize her anywhere

dumb bitch: thats lust

dumb bitch: i assume she takes after her mother bc she looks nothing like the cryptid’s side of the family

 

mech slut: makes sense to me

 

panini: does NOT make sense to me

 

ninjago: i cant believe......... shes................... eds cousin..................

 

dumb bitch: better believe it

 

greeB: what is with yaos and finding interest in the elric family and their relatives

 

hewwo: who knows lmao

 

* * *

 

hungr: whats up FUCKERS

 

panini: holy shit! ur alive!!

 

hungr: yes i am indeedy

 

mech slut: so ur not emo anymore??

 

hungr: nah im gucci now

hungr: ed decked me i had an existential crisis for 15 minutes and im fine now

 

hewwo: sounds about right

 

hungr: also

 

 

_**hungr** has changed their nickname to **hell sucks**_

__

__

mech slut: why though

 

hell sucks: bad food

 

panini: valid

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi ling is back now bls be happy  
> the chapter is longer than usual to make up for my general absence  
> also? i might be writing another chatfic in this same universe but with the homunculi so watch out for that >:3c  
> bls leave comments and kudos so i can THRIVE


	13. gamer bois

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edward - dumb bitch  
> alphonse - nya  
> winry - mech slut  
> ling - hell sucks / amethyst  
> greed - greeB / pearl  
> paninya - panini  
> lan fan - ninjago / garnet  
> rose - hewwo  
> mei - steven

_groupchat >> the crystal gems_

 

steven: have you ever just CRIED over animal crossing bc thats the Current Mood

 

amethyst: no but i have cried over majoras mask

 

pearl: loser

 

amethyst: its a hard game stfu

 

pearl: not hard enough to cry over??

 

amethyst: yes it IS shut the FUCK up

 

steven: ling is so valid?? majoras mask made me cry too

 

pearl: losers

 

steven: stfu greed i saw you crying over botw the other day

steven: ANYWAYS im crying over pekoe shes so cute

 

garnet: mood but @ bob

garnet: hes so valid....

 

pearl: i have three squirrel villagers and i hate every single one and the only thing keeping me from restarting is the fact that vesta is lovely and i like my house

 

amethyst: valid that was me when i had coco in my town and i hated all the other villagers

amethyst: cocos my fave

 

steven: huh i thought youd have liked like, a lazy villager or smth

 

amethyst: nah fam coco is where it AT

 

steven: huh now i wonder what alphonse’s favorite villager is.......

 

amethyst: i shall ask

 

 

 

_groupchat_ _> > meme team dream team_

hell sucks: favorite animal crossing character go

 

hewwo: bluebear!!

 

mech slut: katt katt katt

 

nya: rosie!! she super cute

 

dumb bitch: tangy

 

panini: genji,,

 

hell sucks: huh didnt expect some of those

hell sucks: ed ur fave is tangy??

 

dumb bitch: hell ya

dumb bitch she looks like a fuckin ORANGE and shes cute and an all around good villager 11/10 would hug

 

panini: valid

 

 

 

_groupchat_ _> > the crystal gems_

amethyst: als favorite is rosie

 

steven: ofc............ fuckin adorable

steven: idk why id expect anything different

 

amethyst: ed’s favorite is tangy and tbfh??? thats so soft???

 

steven: it is???

 

garnet: we learn more about edward elric every day

 

pearl: gross

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i got majoras mask 3d and thats what spawned this  
> i put the homunculi chatfic up, and it can be found under the title "hell is real and we live in it" (edgy ik) so go check it out!  
> im gonna be messing w the formatting of this one bc im not the happiest with it, so keep an eye out for that  
> leave comments and kudos so i can THRIVE


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edward - yeet // dumb bitch  
> alphonse - sans undertale // nya / eagle two  
> winry - im already tracer // mech slut / currently doing that  
> ling - dumb gay // hell sucks / amethyst  
> greed - greeB / if i had to pick a dude / gimme gimme / pearl  
> paninya - panini / eagle one  
> lan fan - esteemed lesbian // ninjago / it happened once in a dream / garnet  
> rose - yikes // been there done that / hewwo

_#meme-team-dream-team_

**hell sucks**

this just in: naraku fucking hot?????????????????

 

**yikes**

naraku???

 

**dumb bitch**

naraku inuyasha?????

 

**hell sucks**

ya

 

**dumb bitch**

u rite,,,,, hes unfairly attractive

u kno who ELSE in inuyasha is unfairly attractive???

 

**nya**

inuyasha?? sesshomaru?? sango?? kagura?? koga?? literally any of the inuyasha characters you rave about on a daily gotdamb basis?????

 

**mech slut**

wow called OUT

 

**dumb bitch**

shut UPPPPP al

dont call me out like this >:(((

 

**nya**

>:3c

 

**dumb bitch**

stop

 

**nya**

**> :3c**

**dumb bitch**

STOP

 

**nya**

**_> :3c_ **

**dumb bitch**

honestly???? eat my whole asshole

 

**nya**

no

 

**dumb bitch**

then perish ig

 

**nya**

hmmmm no thanks

 

**dumb bitch**

>:(((

 

**nya**

>:)))

 

**panini**

peak siblig relationshop

 

**mech slut**

ikr lmaoooo

theyve been like this forever

 

**dumb bitch**

shut ur MOUTH

 

**mech slut**

hmmmmm no

 

**hell sucks**

dont fite people ed its too early

 

**dumb bitch**

its noon

 

**hell sucks**

too early

i wanna go back to sleep

 

**dumb bitch**

lmao lazy

 

**hell sucks**

no im just tired

 

**ninjago**

hoenstly mood

 

**dumb bitch**

then ling cmere we can nap and watch inuyasha

 

**hell sucks**

no u cmere

 

**dumb bitch**

ah

but i dont wanna get up

 

**hell sucks**

oh damb mood

 

**dumb bitch**

and thus were at a standstill

 

**hell sucks**

damb this sucks

 

**mech slut**

yall could just,,, rabb.it and watch inuyasha 2gether

no cuddles but all the inuyasha

 

**hell sucks**

youre right..........

 

**dumb bitch**

:00000 hell ya lets watch some inuyasha

 

* * *

 

**nya**

lmaoooo ed fell asleep

inuyasha is still playing i can hear his bratty voice but ed?? knocked tf out

 

**greeB**

rip ed lmao

 

**panini**

you should draw on his face. genius opportunity

 

**nya**

youre right.............

 

**greeB**

rip ed lmaoooo

 

**nya**

markers: obtained

time to mess w my brother >:3ccc

 

**mech slut**

hes gonna kill you lmaooo

 

**nya**

image.png

hehehehe

 

**mech slut**

goodbye al.....

 

* * *

 

**dumb bitch**

AL WHAT THE FUCK

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> you may notice... that the formatting is different. obviously, that's because it is. im in the process of going through this fic (and my other chatfics) and changing the formatting to a more discord-like one?? bc i just wasn't pleased with this formatting. so watch out for that!  
> leave comments and kudos so that i may thRIVE


End file.
